The Skinny:
A drama about explorer John Smith and the clash between English settlers and Native Americans in the 17th century.

The Good:
This movie is probably really interesting to people who are history buffs. It is probably also desirable for people who are slipping in and out of a coma and are looking for movies they can keep up with.

The Bad:
It’s s-l-o-w. Yes. That’s right. SLOW. And don’t comment on this review and tell me that I need to be patient! Patience is something that is required at bus stops and coffee shops, ok?

This movie is filled with 20-minute spans of time where people gaze at each other, dance around, twirl, touch each other briefly, and then walk away. Sometimes it gets really exciting and there are voiceovers during the touching and twirling. Seriously, they should call this movie Touch N’ Twirl. I fell asleep for half an hour, then woke up and asked my wife what I missed. “More touching and twirling,” she said.

The Ugly:
I kept hoping Christian Bale would put on his Batman costume and spice things up a bit. But alas, I was disappointed.

The Bottom Line:
I swear on everything I stand for, when I got up and ejected the DVD from the player, so much time had passed that the title actually read: The Old World.

Score: